I have been struggling to write lately. I could say it's because I have been working too hard or juggling too many balls so something was bound to drop, and this would all be true. But, the real truth is I have been feeling stuck and frustrated and oh so exposed.
I have always been such a private person and putting my heart out here for the entire world's view has left me feeling raw and exposed, like every nerve in my body is standing on end. I have been feeling frustrated and wondering if I have made a mistake to share my inner world with the outer world and been wanting to "turtle out" and hide in my shell again.
There is a song Sick Boy by The Chainsmokers that says " Feed yourself with my life's work, how many likes is my life worth?" that keeps playing in my head.
My Soul feels called to share my stories and my heart and my Ego says no one cares. Isn't that the honest truth of it all though? The never ending battle between our Soul and our Ego? One wanting to grow to our endless potential while the other fighting to keep us "safe" in our small boxes. It is a constant tug of war that leads to me finding a million other things to do on my never ending to do list instead of facing the fear head on.
Fear keeps us stuck in our comfort zone, though, while embracing change and jumping off that ledge leads us to flight. And boy am I ready to fly; to soar up above the clouds like the Eagle and be completely free of fear.
The universe has a funny way of pushing me along my path, though, even kicking and screaming. Yesterday an old friend reached out to me to tell me how much my blog has touched them in a time of need. How they never knew I was facing such things but the idea of someone else sharing their heartache made them feel a little less alone in the world. It took an act of courage for this person to step up and reach out to me in a world that normalizes people just passing by or judging others and I am so very grateful they did. That and a random stranger pointing out that while my content was good, it was lacking in quantity was just the boost I needed to face this daunting screen again tonight instead of crawling in bed with a good book.
The point is you never know the impact your words can have on another so why do we hold them in so often? Why are we afraid to speak up when the far greater crime is holding it all in? I have never regretted trying in life, but I have always regretted the words I left unspoken or the risks I was afraid to take. So what if we fall on our face and look like a fool? Isn't that outcome better than bottling it all up where the information is not only useless but creating trauma in our body?
I like to say "it is my responsibility to show up authentically to every interaction, it is not my responsibility how the other perceives me." I have chosen to share my journey with the world so that others may use my tools and my roadmaps to maybe make their way a little easier. Or maybe just so they are not alone on these old roads and dark paths. I have chosen to share my light and my shadows as a guide on this journey we call life so that you do not feel so alone lost Soul. Please reach out if you feel called to.
I have chosen the path of unconditional love and forgiveness as I have chosen to love myself and forgive myself for all of the pain I have put myself through in the times that I did not know better. That love and forgiveness is reflected in the mirror I see of myself in each of you, even if our passing was just in the night. I will always lend a helping hand to anyone in need and you never know how much you are actually helping me in return to know that my work and my efforts really do matter. My prayer is that those in need will always think of me as an oasis in a dry desert. A friend to share a drink, a laugh, a hug, or a kind word with no judgement no matter what stage of life you are in.
I will always be a soft place to land when life feels heavy, a safe space to rest your weary Soul.
The Ho'oponopono prayer that I live by says "I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you." I have prayed this over every person that has come and gone through my life, even the ones that cut the deepest. Because the God's honest truth is I would not be the woman I am today without every single one of those experiences. And I love this version of me more than I ever imagined was possible (the good, the bad, and the ugly) so I would not change even a single moment of my life or my experiences. I am love, I am light, and I am here if you are ever in need.
-mAgen with an A-