I view myself as a student of the universe, constantly finding the lesson in every experience, and the universe loves to keep testing me on this. I had an eye opening experience the last week that really helped me process some of the lessons I have been learning lately that I feel called to share here. I am finding that I process things by getting the lesson, then being thrown into a situation where I have to learn the lesson (sometimes multiple times becomes I am a stubborn woman), then I dream about the experience, then I move my body to work through the emotions, and then I write about it.
This last week someone sent me a massive amount of ugly words strung together in multiple texts telling me about myself because I had triggered them in the way I choose to show up in the world. To be fair I do show up in the world quite uniquely and where old me would have shrank back in my box to make the other feel comfortable I am being called to no longer show up in the world this way. If I trigger you then I am truly sorry and I will be more than happy to sit with you in those emotions and help you work through them if you treat me with respect but I will not be a scapegoat for anyone running from their own inner world and choosing to project that onto me any longer. I am learning how to stand in my power.
Now it does not pass by my understanding that this barrage of ugly text messages probably had a bit of karma laced within it as I have sent my share of ugly text messages to people when triggered in the past. I may or may not have been the queen of telling you about yourself when I was triggered. Honestly, to anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of one of those messages I am truly and deeply sorry. In my wounded state I was projecting my own unhealed traumas onto you and that was not fair, part of my healing has been unlearning these patterns.
I had a huge realization this time around though and that was what the universe has been teaching me about not giving my power away in the heat of these moments and I feel called to share my analysis here with you today. You see when this person sent me all of these ugly words they were showing me the projection of their inner world and own insecurities that they were battling because as within so without. That still feels dense though so let me break it down some more.
To be fair I didn't even finish reading all of the messages because I got the drift of the energy after the first few words I read but the feeling I was left with was anger.
I sat with that emotion: anger. Why did it make me feel angry? Well because I felt like this person was trying to control my experience. I felt like they were gaslighting me into believing that the way I was feeling was completely invalid and that their point of view was the only one that mattered. I felt as if they did not like the way I was showing up so they were trying to push me back into the little box they had decided I belonged in and took a big dump all over my dreams and aspirations in the process. I was angry at the years of oppression I have felt when people didn't believe in me or see the visions I had for myself. I worked through all of this anger and really sat with it and honored it and dissected every part of it while I push mowed my yard, because movement really helps move that energy through me.
I always say that our emotions our the compass that lead us to our inner guidance system and this is how I worked through all of the emotions I was feeling. I followed anger down the rabbit hole and acknowledged many different emotions and situations I had been in to make me feel these emotions when I realized I had done the same thing to others in my past when I was in a fear based mind set as well. When we fear something and do not deal with those emotions in our inner world they project to others in our outer world. That is why the inner work to understand our feelings and what they are telling us is so very important. If we don't learn to honor the sea of chaos and emotions inside us then they will spill out into our outer world and effect those around us.
After I worked through all of my anger, rage, and other emotions that came to the surface it was time to shower and rinse all of the sweat and grass from the physical labor I had just finished. There was a beautiful symmetry as I sat there under the running water when I realized the lesson. Because just as I allowed myself to feel all of those emotions I realized that the other was projecting all of these on me from their ego because of the fear that their inner child was facing. I could see the fear of loosing control that this person's inner child was crying out with in the form of hate and anger. I realized that this is what I had been doing for so many years as well and in return could love this person's inner child unconditionally as I have learned to love my own. With no shame, no guilt, no judgement; just pure love in the realization that we can't acknowledge what we do not know until we learn how to see it.
Now do not get me wrong. I have set healthy boundaries to honor and protect myself because this person is clearly living straight from their ego and refusing to acknowledge their inner world and I will not subject myself to the hatred and anger they are projecting on me in an attempt to run from their own truth. But I will continue to love the mirror of my own self that I see in them from a distance. And when they are ready to face their own truth and see the hurt in themselves and in return treat me with the same respect their own inner world deserves I will gladly acknowledge their efforts and welcome them back into the safe space I have built around myself with open arms, in unconditional love.
This is the lesson of giving away your power that the universe has been teaching me though. When we lash out at another in rage and anger this is coming from our own internal fears. When you throw that energy on another then you are giving them the power to see your own inner darkness and fears and if you haven't sat with those yourself then you have now given them more power and knowledge of your own inner world then you have given yourself.
So by trying to control the other you have actually given the other the power to control you, if they were of a mind to do so. Thankfully I am a pure and honest Soul so I will not do this with the power this person has given me. I have already worked through all of the emotions and moved on because I have far too much to do than to sit with those emotions any longer. I will add them to my prayer list and hope they learn to point that finger they pointed so hard at me at themselves so they can take their power back and not leave it in the hands of another, not so caring Soul. To sit with themselves in the mirror as I have sat with myself in mine. To truly understand their shadow side so that they can learn to love it too, as I have learned to love mine.
That is where the magic of life lies. In knowing yourself so intimately and loving all of your parts so much that another cannot use your own weakness against you. When someone comes to you in a state of conflict or addresses a way you have triggered them you can say "Oh yeah, I do that sometimes, I am currently working on that. I am sorry that made you feel that way it was not my intention. How can we make sure it doesn't happen in the future?" In understanding that our outer world is just a reflection of our inner and doing the work to show up in a place of abundant love for ourselves first and then for others.
Do you need help learning how to find your triggers? I am really good at that so reach out and let me help! Lol. Seriously though, I will sit with you and help you work through the hard emotions if you need a helping hand. I know the work is not easy. I have sat here doing it myself and I am lucky enough to have found a community to work through things with me now and would love to share that same gift with you.
You are never in this alone my dear friends. We all face the same emotional wheel, and though our experiences to get us there may be different. When we become brave enough to sit with those emotions we learn what they are telling us so we can truly learn who we are and we begin to get the first tastes of freedom from the oppression we have put on ourselves. And oh freedom tastes so very sweet.