If It's Not a F*** Yes, It's a No For Me
If it's not a f*** yes then it's a no for me. A hard truth I have learned along my path that is important to understand.
You see I lived an entire life in lukewarm environments and it killed my soul. I'm not sure if this group of friends love me or not so I'll dim my sparkle a bit as to not stand out too much. The way this group judging others' experience makes me a little uncomfortable but it's better than being alone so I will just sit by quietly and not speak up. I don't really love this job but it's stable so I will stay in the lines and pass the time quietly. These clothes don't exactly feel good but it's the only way I know so I'll make myself uncomfortable to make everyone else comfortable. The pressures of holding up false expectations.
This box sure does feel tight but I am not supposed to want more right? I'll just stuff myself into it to make everyone else comfortable.
I would rather complain about my environment than change it.
To all of this I loudly stand up and scream No! When did I start caring more about the judgements of my life than the pure joy I get from living it, presently?
My emotions are the compass that get me to my higher guidance system. If I turn down those emotions in favor of everyone else in the room how am I supposed to hear that higher guidance system?
If I waste all my energy trying to heat myself up in lukewarm environments how will I have enough energy to grab on to that thing that sets my soul on fire? If I spend all my time treading water in the shallow end trying to keep up with the Jones' then how will I have the energy to dive into the deep end to find the treasure that is meant for me? If I keep pouring from a half empty cup to water everyone else, won't we all eventually feel the lack?
Instead I choose a different path. I will walk out into the dense underbrush where the footsteps of others are no where to be found. I will find a path that is unique to me. One that is dense with the expectation of the unknown.
What is a yes if it's from a place of lack anyway?
I say yes only when my soul is intrigued. When I can feel the fire in my belly ignite. When the yes excites me more than the idea of a comfortable afternoon in my own company. When my desire function is activated.
Maybe that's the secret. Finding a deep contentedness in one's own existence. Knowing that everything one could ever want comes from within first. And that the exterior world we attract to us is merely a reflection of the inner sanctuary we have built. The reflection of the self magic in our very core, once we dig it out from under all the rubble.
Maybe this is the point of the sanctification, both the death and the life side. Maybe that is the lesson of Job. Maybe it is in the saying no to everything that is not of Self. The release of it all. The total lesson of non-attachment. This feeling of I need absolutely nothing that my Creator will not provide for me, through me. Complete faith in the Divine. The trust fall of life.
But to learn that lesson we must say no to a lot of things. A lot of comforts. A lot of weight.
For me I think the heaviest of it all was the expectation of others. The judgement of my self through the lens of lifetimes of the way things are supposed to be done. Who said that was the way? Who made these rules? I have questions.
So I talked to my manager. My leader. My ancestor. My friend. My lover. My guide. My healer. My higher power.
And we are building a new game plan for my life. A new roadmap. A new path. A new design.
First we knocked everything down. Down to the foundation. The root. We let go of everything that was no longer necessary and we started over. Building it back even stronger. The structure we formed through the chaos of the storm. The dance of the cycle. The pattern. The design.
Then we dared to dream. To desire. To create. To produce fruit.
Next we learn to stand in our power. I am who I am. We have asked to receive can I keep my heart open to receive my deepest desires?
So I stand in my power to say if it's not a passionate, fire breathing, f*** Yes! Then no thanks, I don't want it.
Sincerely,
Your friendly feminine alchemist.
Tools Used:
Sundays are for Magen
A daily devotional from my grandmother
Prayer and meditation
Journaling
The art of Letting Go
Gone Fishin' Days
The lesson of the chakras