Updated: Sep 8, 2022
My mom bought me a Bible at the Bible Museum while she was in DC working. My parents have always had a strong faith as did their families before them and I say over and over again that I am who I am today because of the power of all of the prayers that have been prayed over me through my family.
The God's honest truth is that I have struggled with my faith through the last decade or more. When I faced my first loss as a child I turned to God and my faith got me through. But when my sister got sick I got angry, because anger is easier than sadness. And I did not like the judgement or the rules or whatever I felt from organized religion.
I got angry so I acted out. I thought I was angry at God but I was angry at the world, at life, at everything but God. Looking back now I can see that God understood my anger and that it was part of my journey and carried me through those times, He never left me. But I thought I had left Him. I went down a long path of self destructive behaviors and coping mechanisms to run from my pain and my emotions, and my faith. But it was there trying to get my attention the whole time.
Sometime last year I felt the tug on my heart and I knew I could not run any longer. But I was still triggered by words like church, God, religion, etc. And this too... my higher power did not care. He just wanted me to learn to love myself and through that unconditional love of myself find my faith in the Divine again.
So I started a journey of spirituality with words and phrases that were new to me, that did not have any negative triggers associated with them. I love to learn so I started exploring all different cultures both past and present and how they found the Divine. I found Him in nature and in my dad's laugh and in my mom's hugs. I found Him in the sweat lodge and in my dark nights of the Soul. I found the Universe through all of me death and rebirth cycles and in the light and the darkness I saw reflected in others. I found Him in my darkest places and in the immense light that I found in my own heart space.
Today I faced a hard decision and there was my new Bible on the bedside table. I picked it up and opened it to the exact passage I needed to hear at that time. My new Bible is a study Bible, because my amazing mom knows me too well, so I dissected the passage and all of the notes that came with it. I journaled about what my heart, my Soul, my Higher Self, the Holy Spirit was telling me through the words I had found. I sat with my decision and I made it with confidence because I know this is the path I am meant to take.
Will I make some more mistakes? Probably, because I am human. But I know that the Divine will have my back in that too because He sees that my heart is pure and my intentions are good and I am following the path that is laid before me.
When I prayed and meditated on my decision I prayed to God. A friend jokingly pointed out that she was grateful that I used God instead of The Universe yesterday in a conversation. The truth is the words we use don't really matter though. The point is our spirituality does. How we connect to our Higher Power does. Because this life thing is HARD and it wasn't meant to be done alone. When we can let go of the control we think we have on our life and give into the flow of the Divine Will and our Soul path things just flow easier. Magic happens.
My spirituality is part of me. My spiritual health is just as important as my physical and mental health, maybe more so some days. How I choose to express it is my journey as it is yours. Part of finding my FREEDOM has been understanding that concept as well, without judgement. The point is unconditional love and knowing that their is a higher power that we all answer to, it is in me as it is in you. I honor the light I see in me and the light I see in you. It takes me understanding and appreciating my darkness (and yours) to honor that light even more.
I do not like rules or being told what to do. My new favorite tagline is "I will not comply!" But the truth is there are no rules or regulations on the spiritual path. Only unconditional love; first for yourself and then for other. And to honor the Divine in us all through it all. God knows our hearts and our intentions, how we express that love does not matter as long as the heart is pure and the path leads home.