Today I woke up jobless. For the first time since I can remember I have absolutely nowhere I have to be and no one that needs me. No phone ringing, no stack of emails to go through, no one to answer to. I'm calling it early retirement but most are calling me absolutely insane. That's ok, I am the creator of my own reality so my opinion is the only one that matters.
It was a weird feeling waking up this morning with nowhere to be and no one to answer to. Complete freedom. I thought it would feel different.
I set my alarm clock anyway because I am a creature of habit but when it went off a sadness hit me. I didn't expect such sadness in the midst of my freedom. I have been so very sad this week.
I loved my company. I have always seen my self as a savvy business woman climbing the corporate ladder so leaving that version of myself of my own free will has been harder than I expected. I worked hard to achieve much success and many accolades from my company. I am a bit of an overachiever so anything I put my mind to doing I make it a point to excel at. I actually just graduated yet another leadership program with them and many people were looking to see what I would do next, quitting wasn't at the top of anyone's list.
Over the last 13 years I have molded and fit myself into every role I thought would increase my exposure and my image within the company. But on my healing journey one day I looked up and realized this was never my dream. I never wanted to sale cell phones. And I tried, oh I tried so very hard to make myself love it because it was what was expected of me and to be honest it was a very good career. But in trying to fit myself into this box I was denying my spirit the freedom it needed to expand. I was becoming someone I didn't like to spend my time and energy doing things that didn't make my heart sing and in so doing I was draining my life force energy that was needed for my happiness.
So when my alarm clock went off I rolled back over, snuggled my puppy and cried big alligator tears as the void washed over me. I told my inner child if we wanted to stay in bed all day and mourn that was ok. I drifted back to sleep and let my subconscious come back to the surface through my dream state to show me why I was feeling this sadness when I expected to feel such joy. I dove into the darkness head first instead of running from it or trying to suppress it with my endless to do lists. I felt all of my feelings.
Then, when I was ready, I got up feeling a little lighter. Because this decision was not made on a whim. I have been wrestling with it for some time now and it was the decision my higher power asked me to make. It was my free will to say yes. But I always follow the callings of my heart, so while it did take me some time to let go of this too, I was finally ready.
I turned on my favorite playlist and danced around in my pajamas because freedom should always be celebrated. I completely changed my morning routine because I could. I wasn't rushing anywhere, I was enjoying the present moment. I even put lion's mane mushrooms in my eggs for my first meal because I'm feeling a bit wild and reckless today, so why not. And then I felt inspired to write.
So here I sit with a smile on my face because I know this is the reason I quit the job that I loved. So that I could tap into my creativity that I love even more. So that I could feel this joy that comes from living in the present moment. So that I could tempt my inner creatrix out to play to see what magic we could come up with today.
Because I am expanding exactly as the feminine is meant to expand and anything that hinders that expansion must be shed in the pursuit of true freedom.
That is the trick to proper manifestation. When we have big dreams and big goals we have to be willing to let go of the things that are blocking those blessings from coming in. My higher power told me it was completely fine if I wanted to stay where I was for another cycle, but I didn't. I have learned all the lessons there were to learn and now I am ready to build new things. To grow even bigger.
But I could not build new while still holding onto the old. So I am tearing it all down to start over again. I am carrying the skills and the tools that I learned in this season of my life into my new one so I am not starting from scratch.
What will I do next? Who knows?! Whatever my heart desires because she never leads me astray. This is the ultimate trust fall. I am free falling into the universe knowing that wherever my path leads me next will be exactly where I am meant to be.