I found out a few weeks ago that my old job laid off everyone nationwide in my role 2 weeks after my last day. 2 weeks and I would have had a nice little severance package that probably would have lasted me through the year while I got on my feet and insurance for several more months which were my two biggest concerns when deciding to leave. And the real kicker was that I actually gave a 3 week notice because I had a pre-booked vacation during week one and my boss was worried about finding my replacement so I told him I wouldn't leave him hanging and stayed an extra week.
To say I was angry was an understatement. Me and God had a real hard conversation the evening I found out. Like really? Why was it such a big deal in my heart to leave when 2 more weeks would have set me up for success in leaving?
And don't think I hadn't tried to save. I had known there was a time on me staying there for at least 6 months, maybe more. I just didn't feel satisfied in the work anymore, plus I would feel physically drained of my life force energy which I knew I needed for the work my soul was calling for. But every time I got to a certain amount in my savings account something would break, or an unexpected bill would come through. It was almost as if the plan was to jump with no parachute all along.
So I was angry. And I told God how I angry I was. And I didn't hold anything back for a solid few hours, and then I got over it (maybe a bit slowly with a sarcastic comment sneaking in every once in a while over the last few weeks). But see in that anger when I asked Him "why?" he showed me. He told me that because I made the choice, I jumped out of the tower before it fell, I became my own catalyst. And then he reminded me of another time I had done this in the not so distant past. When I had left a man that couldn't love me before I gave too much of myself to him. And then he proceeded to show me all of the times in my life that I had been brave and strong and courageous to cause my own towers before the tower found me. I was able to go back and see all of those experiences from the lens of gratitude and love.
I believe there is a certain momentum that happens when we are our own catalyst bringer, tower kicker. It's almost like a running start. I knew that job was no longer the place for me so I left of my own volition. I ran and I jumped without a backup plan. And in that free fall God has continued to show up for me in so many ways. And in this surrender our relationship has grown tremendously. Because I had no other choice but to trust Him so I have learned to completely, which is no easy feat for a stubborn woman like me. I have been humbled over and over again. And in that humbling I cry out for my partner in life. The masculine structure I need to show me the way because I am so very lost without Him.
It has been in this sacrifice that my relationship has truly flourished. In this brokenness that I have learned to fully trust. Because I can't do any of it without Him. I can truly say that God is my partner in life but it took me giving up everything that I was and had built to get there.
Because the ego is a tricky thing and will hang on in the weirdest of ways. So my path to The Divine was a path of complete non attachment, so that I could learn to ask for my needs to be met and then be open to receive them in whatever way they show up.
Please understand I have always had faith. I have always known there was a Creator out there and a rhythm to it all. But somehow in the business of doing all the things I forgot that it was a personal relationship that He longed for with me.
It was easier to blame all the things that went wrong on Him instead of realizing these were opportunities for me to grow closer to Him. It was easier to write Him out of my story all together and say that I had built this life. But looking back I realize He was with me the whole way. Just as my physical parents have been. And while we might not always see eye to eye, the love and support is always there. I just had to reach out and grab it. To ask and then to receive the help that I needed.
This morning in meditation I turned to the book of Malachi in my bible and was reminded that if I had waited 2 more weeks my sacrifice would have been tainted. My offering not as pure. My Creator didn't want me to wait until my company left me with a cushion because then I wouldn't have had this intimate time to learn to trust Him even deeper. To show Him the complete trust I have in Him with this trust fall. For He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper and not to harm me.
And in that promise I have built my house on stone, brick by brick. The most intimate relationship I will ever have, the one with My Creator through the love affair I learned to have with myself.
In the Bhagavad Gita Chapter 4 verse 10 Lord Krishna says "Being freed from attachment, fear, and anger, being fully absorbed in Me, taking complete shelter in Me, and sanctified by the penance of gaining knowledge, many have attained My nature (by becoming one with Krishna).
This is what I have been learning these last few cycles. Learning that I can do nothing alone, but by finding shelter in My Creator I can do all things that are meant for me. I am not attached to any outcome and in that non attachment I am free to truly enjoy every blessing that is sent to me by the one who made me.
Everything I need comes from inside of me, I just have to sit in the silence to understand that. To be in the eye of the storm with my maker while the storm rages around us. And oh what a beautifully simple way to live in pure presence.