One thing I have learned over the last year is the importance of integrity and speaking my truth, even when it is uncomfortable.
I told a lie recently to my dad and it physically hurt me. I'm not even sure why I did it. At some point on this journey, I couldn't even tell you when exactly, I started living this life of radical honesty because lying is too much trouble and takes up too much energy.
On this day dad asked where my dog had slept while I was house sitting for him and even though he had slept in bed next to me I knew dad didn't like that so I said the kennel. He had brought the kennel with him... I was busted. He was hurt that I had lied to him and I felt a distance between us instantly. Like why had I just done that? It was completely pointless. He knows how attached Cruiser and I are and probably expected him to sleep with me.
But there I was with heaviness between us because I had chosen the chicken way out instead of standing in my truth.
I apologized and we moved past it but here I am over a week later still disgusted with myself about that lie. It is still here in the air between us. A stain on our usually open relationship. And mind you this is from my point of view only because my dad loves me unconditionally and I am sure as soon as I apologized and was forgiven he had moved past the incident. But here I am still with this shame of silly untruth burdening my end of the relationship.
I feel that is how God feels when we lie to Him or hide from our truth. I feel like that is what "sin" is. A distance between us. Denying parts of ourself in order to be what we think He wants us to be but in that denying putting distance between us. Heaviness. Blemishes on the relationship from our side that keep us from coming to Him openly and honestly. Anything that keeps our head down to where we can't look Him straight in the eyes and greet Him with an open heart. Shame. Fear. Dishonesty. Living out of our truth.
At least that is my own experience with my Creator. I used to hide so much of myself. Tuck away all of the pieces that I thought were too much. Too loud. Too bright. Too sassy. Too naked. Too everything. I tucked and dipped and hid all those parts until I became one ticking time bomb. All of those hidden pieces pushed down on top of each other until they finally exploded. Usually on some poor unsuspecting victim that I was projecting my own shadow onto instead of owning it for my own emotional chaos that it was. Blaming the other for my own insecurities and fear.
And the irony of it all was that the things I was trying so desperately to hide turned out to be some of my strongest strengths once I brought them to the light. Once I stopped running from them and I said "Here God. This is all of me. I am sorry that I am naked."
He said "Child, who told you that you were naked? Who shamed you in that way? You are perfectly and divinely made. I made you in your mother's womb. All of you. All of your loud and sassy. All of your eccentric and wild. All of your big personality. All of your nakedness. I made you. I have just been waiting for you to bring it to me instead of hiding it so that I could show you how to use it properly. So that I could teach you how to use the tools that I have given you. You have nothing to apologize for except for the distance you have put between us because of your fear. Because of that sin of shame you have allowed to taint our relationship. But that is ok. I forgive you for that as well now that you have brought it to me. I remove this from our relationship and open the channel of love again. But it is your responsibility to keep that channel open by continuing to bring these things to me. Do not hide from me in fear because in the dark you cannot hear the song of my unconditional love."
And then once I started letting it all out something amazing happened. I became lighter. Free-er. More connected. Somehow by exploding all of my ugliness and darkness everywhere I found this profound light. This peace. This beautiful connection that had been there all along but that I couldn't see because of all the heaviness I was trying to carry on my own because fear convinced me I had to.
And God never judged the junk as I pulled it all out of the depths of the closet of my Soul. He looked at each piece carefully and took it from me with so much love. He helped me see how each piece of the junk had helped me through a time of my life and why I felt I had needed it for so long. He NEVER judged one inch of the filth. He even taught me how to laugh over some of it. How to begin to see how playful it all was. He held me while I cried through some of it. He picked at me for some of it that I had been holding on to oh so tightly. We experienced a range of emotions together to be completely honest but judgement never came up. Not even once.
Why then do we judge ourselves, and each other, so much? We are all here to live our own experiences. To face our own demons. To walk our own paths to evolve past the things that have held us and our family lines back in the past. Every inch of our darkness is necessary and part of our evolution and growth. If God formed us in our mother's womb and knew our steps before we ever walked them then He, in turn, knew every spec of darkness we would ever face. And here is the kicker...
He sent his only son to die for us anyway.
The battle is already won. The kingdom is already here. The only thing that keeps us separated from our Creator is the darkness that we cling so desperately to because we are scared to open up the closet and bring it to the light. To remove the debris that stands between us and the unconditional love of our Father. We are the ones creating our own suffering by perpetuating these endless cycles of judgement that keep us looping in our own head.
All we have to do is stand up and silence the judge and say enough is enough. I am already forgiven. All I have to do is stand up and accept that forgiveness and live in the FREEDOM of my experience exactly as it is, free from judgement of anyone because the one who made me does not judge me.
"Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone." And He never does... so why, then, do we?